I am ready to come home.
As I keep pondering all that has gone down this year I continue to realize that I just simply tried to get involved in too much. When I was at my missionary training course last fall they told us to take it easy. They told us to focus on the language and the culture and not to get too overwhelmed with work during our first year.
They told us that it is a marathon not a sprint. They told us to make sure we take care of our soul first and foremost.
Looking back on this year I don't really think that I took their advice to heart.
And as a prepare to get on a plane this Friday I am definitely suffering the consequences. Don't hear me wrong. God has done some AMAZING things in my life this year. And I know I have been used by Him in a mighty way. And I am closer to Him.
But...because I got involved in so many different things I am suffering a little burnout right now. I got overwhelmed by all the needs I saw. Bottom line...I need this trip home. I need encouragement to know that what I am doing here really matters. I need to be refreshed and renewed.
I need to visit home to remember why I was called here to Bolivia in the first place.
I have realized that I am more frustrated than I thought. I have realized that I am more burned out than I thought. My heart is harder than it was when I arrived last December 29th. I used to walk these streets with so much love in my heart. Lately, I have found myself just wanting to push people out of my way on the streets. No joke.
I try to be honest with you on this blog. I try to give you a real picture of my experience here and not to just make my life as a missionary seem all rosy and nice. Sure there are extreme moments of love, joy and fulfillment. But there are moments of sadness, frustration and hate as well.
I think the spiritual weight and depression of this culture is winning right now.
I need this time away.
I need to fall in the love with my Savior again.
I need to see you and remember why I am here.
Yet through all this God is faithful. I keep going back to Him.
I have seen and experienced too much of His love and provision to leave Him know.
But at least now I know. I know what I feel like inside when I overcommit and try to do too much. I know what the contrast feels like. I know what I spirit overflowing with God's love feels like and I know what a completely dry spirit feels like. I know what it feels like to let God take you somewhere and then tell Him "I got it from here."
At least I know.